Toxic Abuse: When The Fog Clears

Have you ever looked back and wondered how you seemed to surround yourself with the users and takers, the jokers. If you have, you need to realize something that might be hard to believe about yourself and those you call a family. Childhood trauma has been proven to wreck the body, and many of our behaviors are dictated by what we experienced in those formative years. One of the concepts you have to get your head around when untangling the sticky veins of childhood trauma is that it has grown into every layer of your being. You have some work to do. Recently, watching a television drama in which the main character told a female actor that when they had dated in younger years she had not treated him well and had been sarcastic.  This line affected me deeply. And this morning I woke up sharply. The information I sought came to me in an early morning idea.  Why would anyone treat someone they are dating that way? I thought about myself and others I have spoken to about their dating experi

A ring leader decided you would be highlighted as a target, and there we go. Your school days are ruined by a toxic group.  Is the group headed by the chief toxic protected? Some would say yes. Others would say they are vulnerable and if we try to understand them we will find a fragile person, lashing out. Does that make ruining someone's life ok? You could even say that hurt people hurt people. Well, maybe they do.  If you are a parent of a child that has been bullied throughout school or for a time you will know the misery it causes. What seems to happen is that the victim is portrayed as the trouble maker and the group bullying, is then allowed to continue their reign of narcissism. This makes being part of that group appealing, as who wants to be bullied. Teachers and schools can enable narcissistic behaviors. And this is not about criticizing teachers. They do a hard job that most of us would not want to do.  So, children who have been hurt can hurt people? Bringing the anger

When still living with the toxic one you you cannot see the part you play. Worst still, you do not realize they are with a highly skilled person who specifically chose you because of your suitable qualities. You fit together with the abuser like a plug and socket. You are in fact the power supply. Once you have been plugged in a while, you will keep on supplying them, enabling them, and making excuses for them for being so empty, manipulative, and abusive. Slowly yourself drains away. You are the ideal candidate for a partner. The first step is to realize that you have certain qualities that appeal to these types. Maybe, you had an abusive childhood. As a result of that abuse, you exhibit certain behaviors that attract those who score high on the scale of narcissism. Are you outwardly anxious? : You freeze, avoid, or maybe faun Toxic types are great observers. They stand back and clock how others interact and who they can play each individual. Now, I'm not on about those people who

Do you expect too much from them? Do you repeat the following to yourself?  Why can't this person have a two-way conversation? Why, when I put everything into being open and communicating fairly. Treat them so well, why do they treat me so bad? There is a clue there you know. Being fair to someone or an organization who takes shots at you, pulls you down, and cannot be like you, because they are not, is like standing beside a large puddle and then being surprised when a car comes along and you get covered in water. Great Expectations is a wonderful book. But looking to others to treat you fairly, when some people are never going to do that, is at the least naive. Or at worst possibly co-dependent. This may sound harsh, but your need for all others to treat you well is a case of false expectations. Accept it. It has everything to do with them but is not your business. A percentage of the population that does not treat others well. Why they do this, is really not your concern. Getti

No matter what happened in the past, you cannot fix it. Whether it was two weeks ago or twenty years ago, the best thing to do is learn the lessons it has taught you and move on. Briefly, the story goes like this: "  Genesis 19 , when Lot and his wife have just fled Sodom and Gomorrah. God is about to destroy the two cities, but in His grace, He allows them to escape with specific instructions: “ Run for your lives! Don’t look behind you or stop anywhere in the valley” ( v. 17 ).  " We have Sodom and Gomorrah, which we know from the bible to be places of evil. God tells the group to run for their lives and not stop in the valley. There we have the third clue, and the third party is you. A triangle of the two places and then we have those wishing to escape.  When you live with a toxic group or person, your home life is of course toxic, and your outer life as well. What is on a certain frequency can only attract what is willing to tune into it. Your at-home life (one) and your

Image: Drew Dizzy Graham You know that feeling when you hold your newborn baby in your arms for the first time?  You gaze at that little face, and you just fall in love...well, I did! In a recent article, I came across. It was discussed that many people choose to have children to fulfill their own selfish needs. In a way, there is nothing wrong with that. Most of us want to give a child love. Also affection, boundaries, the tools to grow, reassurance, and more. We try to do our best. Mostly, we desire to pour in unconditional love. But for many adults who are high on the toxicity scale, it seems that the whole point of having children is to use them in some way. This could be from withholding affection unless the child gets top marks later on and makes them look good. That is just one way the toxic person acts out. Either knowingly or not. They set upon a path that places a child into a world to be used for the parent's dramas. To gain something. The child is initiated into what is