Primal Scream: Internal Time Bomb For You

The truth you hide from others, and yourself will ultimately break you. It is the covert part of the psychopathic/narcissistic attack. They know that. It is a win-win strategy for them. An internal and external time bomb for you. But it does not have to be so.

I can see how this plays out in the many woman and men I have met who share lived traumatic childhood experiences. As a child, you are unable to defend yourself against violence and older siblings who try to molest you. With the abuse comes the words that attach themselves to the deepest parts of your brain.

"There's something wrong with you"

And then we have the violent physical attacks. One of my more interesting memories is of an older brother who tried to molest me under the guise of "Come and help me clean my room". I was around four or five and he was old enough to have left home. Looking back, it was a power play. I was the youngest and received attention for being bright and chatty.

In those early days, I had my father's protection. He would take me on trips with him out in the car at the weekends and we would chug along, listening to the radio. Imagine if they, he, had found out he had taken me to cafes and held my hand so tightly as if to say he would never let go. What would my punishment have been then? But for the brother who decided, to act out his adolescent sexual titillations with his very young sibling, it was a powerplay. I shall ruin you before you take my place. I am intelligent. I am the favourite, you shall not take my place.

And so it began.

But not for long, as I realized what was going on and escaped. I decided I would spend more time with grandma and when she died I turned to neighbors to escape.

Then one day, I threatened him, threatened to tell everyone. He stood there, in the living room, angry that I would not go and help him "clean his room" for fifty pence. Whack! A smack across the head. My mother entered the room and I knew there was no hope. I often wondered later on when around the age of eleven, when I was diagnosed with a growth in my inner ear, (discovered in a routine mastoidectomy operation) whether something nasty had deposited itself in me every time I was hit around the head. Had it now formed a growth?

"What's SHE done?" asked my mother

And then he replied "She swore at me. You shouldn't let her talk to people like that"

My mother, who used me to create dramas to get attention in her triangulations just stared. Four eyes upon me, full of condemnation.

My brother started his nasty hate campaign there and then. Years later every detail would be dragged out of me with a school counsellor. Not only that, but the nonstop venomous campaigns to stifle me from achieving anything.

Anger

Some lash out, but in my case, I never have, not physically. And that is where trauma release is so important. If you do not release that anger, then you are an adult victim to those who are your childhood abusers in disguise In my case, that would be marrying a meddling, covert control freak. My mother only read one book to me multiple times. That was Mr. Meddles by Enid Blyton. After each time she read me one of the stories she would inform me that I would marry someone like that. This book was the only book she ever read to me and she took delight in her predictions. I was too young to understand at the time. We now understand the neuroplasticity in the brain. My mother's fortune-telling words were to come true. I was a pawn in her and other family member's games. the evil witch in the fairy tale had cursed me. The words we tell our children are spells that somehow get attached like prayer flags to the tendrils and branches of that innocent little person's developing brain. Yes, I did meet a meddler mother, and one just as high ranking as yourself.

And why, why write this? Because my truth is my truth. Letting it out releases what has stayed hidden for so long. The other day, whilst talking to The Samaritans I stated the following. I still had a tiny child in me crying, help, someone, please help me. And that is where you need to be careful. As we know through research and experience you seem to send out a signal when your inner child is crying, frightened. You can magically attract exactly what you do not want.

By stating the truth. Others who have experienced similar can start to release. Knowing they are not alone. Childhood abuse is more common than we believe it to be. It is usually linked to a family member or those close to us.

Journaling

It's wonderful, and I advise anyone who has been through a traumatic experience to grab a cheap notepad, and some crayons, and start expressing yourself. Write, draw, and take up poetry, there are no rules. To see the truth in front of you is to hang out your dirty washing in a private garden.. In the bright light of the sun, you can then see where the stains are and start cleaning and releasing them.. You can try shaking therapy or watch a film by Peter Levine, a trauma expert.. You can scream into a pillow, run, into the fields and scream out the hatred you have kept inside for many years. Now is good.

And what about the shame

The shame is theirs. They lied then and they will lie now. After speaking to a friend today we considered that your adult abuser will be a mirror of the childhood ones. They will be strategists and liars. Your childhood abusers held enough power and stature within the family unit to go forward with their disgusting acts of abuse. They had a good publicity front. No one would ever believe you. This is then replicated in the adult form of an abuser that you will go on to meet. Your inner child is still hurting, screaming for help. Metaphorically speaking, you may as well walk up to Dracula with dripping veins. You will be a meal for any passing emotional vampire, or abuser until you look after and protect that inner child.

A Short December Poem

In the snow
And all around
A little sparkle can be found
It links together an energy

That ignites the childlike curiosity.

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