Childhood Memories: Finding Peace Within

 My earliest memory is of lying in a cot, or a bed. Hands are prodding my stomach, and I am screaming. Then everyone is shouting at me to be quiet. Then the whole house erupts. That child, you know, the troublesome one is crying again.....

The toxic home environment is the opposite of a healthy one. The group that lives there is like a pack of attention-starved animals. If the parents or caregivers do not have enough time to go around then producing a late baby in an already full household creates an unwanted child. What is worse, is when parents do not install boundaries or discipline or they do not recognize that the older children are already starved of attention because of them and the new arrival is a very unwanted sibling.

This sets the child up to be the scapegoat. And at different times different siblings use the child to triangulate, to get a reaction, maybe some attention, some love from the toxic parent. At other times the narcissistic parent uses the child for the same. I'm sure that the madness inside a toxic household could make your local psychiatric unit seem bland

As the child grows older, this parent will be testing the kinder to see if they will adore, worship, to gain protection, and any morsels of love that are going. If not, and maybe that child sees the fake caregiver for what they are, then the child will be ostracized.

Having babies for the wrong reasons 

Sometimes one parent is naive. They go along with the plan for more children to serve the parent who needs to be seen as Mother Mary herself or a queen bee. This results in layers of mayhem within the tribe.

When children are born out of anything but love of them, there will be problems. Toxic mothers have children to play with and act with. To use in their dramas to gain love wherever they can. And not just love but attention, and especially victimhood. To gain any affection in this kind of group, you have to go along with the agenda. You grow up wondering what will happen next. You become a very junior analyst early on in life as you experience the games, hits, and scratches given out to you in this penned-up family...

One of the other memories I have comes from about the age of five. We are in the chemist in our village, being served by the new owners of the business.

My mother has just announced that I am a cold child who does not talk to her or show any affection. My next sister up agrees and they peer at me in that cold, hateful way I was used to. Then the new staff all peer at me. Yes, that feeling of being the "awful child" comes over me, one that had been gifted to me over and over again from a very early age. I cannot reply, as I will be punished. My older sister knows exactly where she stands. An ally to this woman who will go on to be cruel beyond words and even instigate violence against me and watch as I am beaten and tell me I deserved it.

What can we learn and where is the peace within?

If you experience these kinds of actions in childhood, you can learn that you are very brave. You are definitely not broken, for that would be a choice. Choose not to be, right now. Trauma can be worked out of you, through many different ways. You are the one who can see the truth as you experience the games. The one thing you must do before you embark on a relationship or marriage or having children is to work on the above. The chances of you ending up with a partner that mirrors the behavior of your family towards you are high. You had to accept the abuse as a child. You could not escape. But now, as an adult, you must start facing what happened so that you do not normalize toxic behavior and get yourself trapped with a new abuser.

Sonya Vukomanovic 07/03/2024  ©