Fear: Why are you making yourself small?
When we are in a relationship with a toxic person, we make ourselves teeny weeny.
We also make ourselves invisible, lukewarm, and always
less than our full potential. We become a chameleon, changing colours to try
and find the perfect shade to please the person whose admiration or approval we
seek.
Fear
You are not fear, and it is not you.
Fear is a shield that blocks us from being awake,
deliberate, and able to deal with life.
By that, I mean dealing with reality. It does not mean
having an out-of-body hippy-dippy experience. You are not a balloon. Fear is not us. We absorb it. It surrounds us
and we shrink. It stops a person from speaking up for themselves and saying no. It also stops us from going ahead and fullfilling our dreams.
There are many healthy responses to real fear, like running away from someone coming after you with a stick in their hand, calling the police.
But when there is no real threat we are disabled by it. When we are swimming in fear as if it is the air that
we need and not separate, we cannot operate.
And you may say, well, fear is something we should act
on. And you would be right. But when there is no threat and it has reached your very core, it can block you. Did you know that fear is separate from you? You are not fear, and
it is not you. You can acknowledge it and decide what action is to be taken.
Toxic people know you are scared, they know you are attached to it. You are ripe with fear. They witness that you have no self-witness.
They have read you like an open book or seen the
goodies inside the room, left there with the door open. We all know that thieves
are opportunists.
They also know that after some prodding you will
become small, meek, and doubt yourself. That you will give in because there is
too much against you. Even without their abuse, you show your fear through your stance, you speech and habits. After all, you are a people pleaser, and you want to make
them happy so they will carry on loving you. You will become their supporter
and counselor. You will overlook insane behavior. Make them a cup of tea or
take them out to dinner two minutes after the shot arrives below the belt.
Just hold on there
Whoever said you had to act in a certain way to obtain love.
If you go into a relationship and you have limits,
borders that define what you stand for, your values, you will soon say no to anyone who
steps over the mark. But you do not.
Do you witness you have a self? That yourself is not
that inner critique or parasitic residue of crap still residing in you from the
bullies from school. Toxic parents, abuse, or many other things. All of that is
separate from you. Susan Jeffers wrote about the chatterbox years ago. It is time
to acknowledge this unhelpful voice but disconnect and observe it instead of
identifying with it. There are many possible places your fear grew from. It was
planted years ago and has now grown through you like poison ivy. It is not part
of you, so it is time to separate yourself from what is binding you to what
might eventually kill your dreams. Or even you.
How we value ourselves and what that means can seem
tricky to discuss.
Valuing yourself means placing conscious attention on yourself and seeing yourself as a worthy individual. You must value your peace, your body, and your rights. It is acceptable to love yourself. You are allowed.
When we externally spend time with toxic people, they
somehow seem familiar. If you have never divorced that negative chatterer or
worrying voice in your head that we all have to a higher or lesser degree internally
you become its slave. We then see the toxicity around us as normal as it fits
in with that voice. We believe we are pleasing ourselves. When in fact we are
not. What happens within is reflected like a mirror as we recreate our personal
beliefs by drawing people into our lives that fit in with the inner critique.
Not ourselves.
What is the remedy?
Allowing yourself to wallow in your self-respect
is vital if you have been a doormat.
You are not one, so why put a sign around your
neck saying this:
If you
spend enough time with me, I am desperate for you to love me, you will find I
am compliant, gullible, and easy to fool.
You cannot beat yourself up for being naive. You might
be highly educated. Or consider yourself someone who cannot be challenged
because you are a teacher, solicitor, and have a good job. So how did you end
up in a relationship with a mad person? Well, it's all about that needy element
in you that is trying to get love in all the wrong places from all the wrong
people.
Questions to ask yourself?
So, what are your values? Where do you draw the line?
Why do you never tell people to shove off, or not
bother with those who maintain toxicity?
Why do you change like a chameleon to please people?
Why do you pay for everything to get what you want
from people?
You say yes when really, you want to say no
You merrily accept abnormal or rude behaviors and convince
yourself they are not
You agree to meetings, outings, holidays, walks, and a
whole lot more when to be honest, you don’t even want to go.
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